Obituary for a Friend

You are holding the pen, not the story

The first thing to settle in your own mind is the shape of the job. You are not the author of this obituary. The family is. You are the person who can type it, spell it, shape it, and get it submitted before the deadline. That is a real gift, and it has real limits.

Practically, this means you write down what they tell you, in something close to their words. If the daughter says he was stubborn as a fence post, that line is gold. Do not smooth it into he was known for his determination. Your polish should make the family's voice clearer, never replace it.

It also means you resist filling gaps from your own memory. You may have known him for thirty years, but if the family does not mention the fishing trips, you ask before you add them. Anything you know that they did not say gets offered as a question, not slipped in as a fact.

Consent and fact-checking before anything is published

Errors in an obituary are painful and mostly permanent. Newspapers rarely rerun corrections for free, and a misspelled grandchild is remembered long after the service. Because you are one step removed from the family, you check everything twice, out loud, with them. Walk this list before the draft goes anywhere.

The checklist

• Full legal name, spelled out letter by letter with the family, including middle name and any suffix. Confirm the nickname and how they want it shown, for example William Bill Turner.
• Dates confirmed against documents, not memory. Birth date from a license or certificate, death date from the funeral home. Anniversary and service dates read back twice.
• The survivors list read aloud to the family, slowly, every name and spelling. Ask directly, is anyone missing. Ask about spouses in parentheses, step-relations, and anyone estranged, and let the family decide every case.
• Who approves the final text. One named person signs off, usually the spouse or eldest child. Get their yes on the exact final version, not a summary of it.
• Where it will be published and what it costs. Newspaper obituaries are often paid by length. Tell the family the outlets, the price, and who is paying before you submit anything.

The handoff

When the draft is ready, put it in the family's hands in a form they can actually read. Print it large. Read it to them if that is easier. Then be quiet and let them react.

Take every change without argument, even the ones that hurt the prose. If they want the sentence you are proudest of cut, it gets cut. The family owns the final word, and the last kindness you can do is to make that ownership easy. Once they approve it, you handle the mechanics, the submission, the deadline, the proof if the paper offers one, and you confirm back to them that it ran.

A fill in the blanks skeleton

Sit with the family and fill this in together, out loud. Their words go in the brackets. Cut whatever does not fit.

The skeleton

• [Full name], [age], of [town], died [date] at [place, if the family wants it named].
• [He or she] was born [date] in [place] to [parents' names].
• [Marriage, work, church, service, in whatever order the family tells it.]
• [Two or three sentences in the family's own words. The thing everyone said about them. Keep the odd, specific details.]
• [He or she] was preceded in death by [names].
• [He or she] is survived by [names, read aloud and confirmed].
• [Service details, with dates, times, and places checked against the funeral home.]
• [Memorial preference, if any.]

A full example, Walter

Walter Dean Kowalski, 81, of Erie, Pennsylvania, died February 11, 2026, at Hamot Medical Center, three doors down from the maternity ward where he was born.

Walt spent thirty-eight years as a machinist at the Erie works and could fix anything with a motor, a fact his neighbors tested freely and often. He married Helen Zawacki in 1968 after asking her to dance twice, because she said no the first time and he figured she might change her mind. She did.

He was stubborn as a fence post, his daughters say, and soft as bread with his grandchildren. He kept a garage full of parts that might come in handy someday, and to be fair, they sometimes did. He was a fifty-year member of Holy Trinity Parish and a Tuesday regular at the Lawrence Park diner, same booth, same order.

Walt was preceded in death by his wife, Helen, in 2021, and his brother, Stanley. He is survived by his daughters, Diane (Robert) Fischer of Erie and Karen Kowalski of Pittsburgh; four grandchildren, Emily, Jacob, Sarah, and Daniel; and his sister, Dorothy Nowak.

A funeral Mass will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. at Holy Trinity Parish. Memorials may be made to the parish food pantry, where Walt drove the delivery van every Friday for eleven years.

A full example, Bernice

Bernice Adele Hutto, 77, of Statesboro, Georgia, died at home on June 3, 2026, with her sister holding one hand and her dog, Biscuit, asleep on her feet.

Bernice taught fourth grade at Sallie Zetterower Elementary for thirty-four years, which means half of Statesboro can still recite the state capitals because of her. She never married, a fact she reported cheerfully and without regret, and she poured what she had into her students, her sister's children, and a garden that won the county fair ribbon four times.

She sang in the choir at First Baptist Church of Statesboro for fifty years, alto, back row, always on pitch. She wrote birthday cards to former students well into their forties. She believed everyone deserved a second chance and most people a third.

Bernice was preceded in death by her parents, Ray and Adele Hutto. She is survived by her sister, Margaret (Tom) Deal of Statesboro; her nieces and nephews, Laura, Stephen, and Anne, whom she claimed as her own; seven great-nieces and great-nephews; and Biscuit, who is staying with Margaret.

Services will be held Saturday at 2 p.m. at First Baptist Church of Statesboro. In lieu of flowers, the family suggests memorials to the Bulloch County school system's classroom supply fund, or that you write to a teacher who mattered to you.